couple of one liners

The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

Here's a joke for October!

A recently divorced woman moved back to her home town hoping to start over again. While making a dentist appointment she was surprised to see she recognized the dentist’s name as a good looking boy from her high school almost 25 years earlier. However, upon walking into the dentist’s office, she quickly realized he must be someone else. He was bald, had a big beer belly, and looked a lot older. Just to be sure though, on her way out she asked him if he went to the high school that she had attended.
“Yeah”, he responded, “I graduated in 91.”
“Oh my gosh”, the woman excitedly said “you were in my class.”
“Really”, he said that’s interesting, “what class did you teach?”

Here's some more:

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Quick one liners:

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick. She's still not talking to me.

I broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend. ...
I thought she was seeing someone else.

Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Jokes for February

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
“Great! I actually had 25 riders.”
 The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second lady quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused about what the term "rider" meant. But, he didn't want to look dumb so he wished the ladies well and then left.
Passing the proshop he asked the kid at the desk, "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The kid didn’t even look up and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

I don't get it. Does that mean I'm stupid?

Yes.
I'm afraid it does.
It's just a joke, after all. It's not the KFC's secret chicken recipe.
Being stupid, not getting jokes, is caused by a number of things.
Not paying attention.
If you weren't listening, just say so. But remember, a joke only lasts a minute or two. Sometimes even less.
Surely your attention span is longer than that.
Or.
You're just not thinking.
Where did he say the salesman was from? How many chickens were there? What color were the lady's eyes? Were you listening to the details of the joke?
I hate to tell you this, but one of the BEST things about jokes is the kick I get when people don't get it.
Maybe I'm being a little harsh.
Maybe the joke references things that you just simply aren't familiar to you.
But, then again, maybe your problem is that you think that jokes are simple and stupid.
They're not.
Jokes are very intelligent, and they make a powerful comment on culture and society.
A famous philosopher once said that a workable life philosophy could be composed entirely of jokes.
Pay attention.
Think about it.
Work it over in your head.
Realize that the joke teller is TRYING to be funny.
If all else fails.
Ask somebody to explain it to you.
But remember:
Jokes lose EVERYTHING when someone has to explain why they're funny.

Don't tempt me.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, “I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
“Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"