What's the best side of the cemetery to live on?
The outside.
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Two guys are walking side by side down the street. One of
them sees a mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it, and says, "This
guy looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know him from."
The other guy grabs it from his hand, takes a look at it,
and says, "It's me, you idiot!"
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When is the only time you're justified in slapping your
mother in law in the mouth?
When her mustache is on fire.
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My doctor wants me to change my eating habits and try
vegetarianism.
But I'm not sure I can give up cold turkey.
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Bill was in his office, struggling with an account. He asked
his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, less 14%, how much
would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
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Bob had taken seriously ill. To make things easier on
everyone, his bed was moved to a corner of the living room. One evening Bob
turned for the worse so Susan sent for friends and relatives to come over and
gather around his bed.
Bob: "Susan, are you here?"
Susan: "Yes Bob, I am right here."
Bob: "Stevie, are you here Stevie?"
Stevie: "Yes Dad, I am right here."
Susan: "Bob, we are all here gathered 'round your bed.
Here’s Jenny, and here’s your mother."
Bob: "Well, if you're all here; Why is the light on in
the kitchen?!"
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A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.
So the bartender gave her one.
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