Jokes and one liners for New Years Day!

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid!

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You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

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"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"

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I looked through a book called "50 things to do before you die". I was sure that "shout for help" would be one of them.

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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

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A guy goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What's the problem?

Guy: I think I'm a moth.

Doctor: I'm a cardiologist. You should be seeing a psychiatrist.

Guy: I know that.

Doctor: Then why did you come here?

Guy: Because your light was on.