This is an oldie, but it's one of the classics:

Teacher says to Ronaldo:
Ronaldo, what do you have if you reach in your left pant's pocket and find three dollars, and you reach in your right pant's pocket and find seven dollars?
Ronaldo: I have someone else's pants on.

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Give us a visit, and get a great new price during the February Kindle countdown promotion on:

You Must Be Joking! just click here.

If you're ever lost in the desert:

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Three good jokes for Thanksgiving!

A man walked up to me and said, "Stick'em down!"

"Don't you mean stick'em up?"

"No wonder I haven't been making any money!"

A wealthy man put his son through college, even though the kid was kind of stupid.

One day the kid came home and said, "They gave me a fud."

"A fud? What's a fud?" asked the exasperated father.

"How should I know?" answered the kids defensively.

"But that's what it says on the paper. PhD. fud"

"There are advantages and disadvantages about this property," said the honest real estate agent. "To the north is the gas works, to the east a glue factory, to the south a fish and chip shop, and to the west a sewage plant. Those are the disadvantages."

"What are the advantages?" asked the prospective buyer.

The agent replied, "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Prepare at least two jokes.

You’ll do better if you have two or more jokes to tell.

Why?

People get defensive when they hear one joke. They’re likely to resist laughing. They’ll tell you your joke is bad, or silly, or stupid.

But now they’re primed.

The second joke will always make them chuckle.

If you can tell a third and a fourth joke, you’ll own your audience. You’ll have them gasping for breath. They’ll be laughing so hard that they will hardly be able to hold themselves up.

Is this because your jokes are so funny?

No, it’s not that.

People like to laugh. They want to laugh.

They just need you to flirt with them. They want to be tickled a little bit first.

So, no, people don’t laugh at your jokes because they’re so amazingly funny. And they don’t laugh because you’re such an amazing performer. 

But it doesn’t hurt if you have some good jokes to tell, and some proper instruction for correct joke telling.

There is skill in this. You need to know your jokes, and you need to know how to tickle your audience, and you need to know how to effectively deliver your jokes.

So, back to what we said first. Have at least two jokes ready when you find your audience.

You’ll knock’em dead!

Three great jokes!

1.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning the old gentleman.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," he answered.

2.

Husband to wife "would you still love me if I were broke?"
Wife to husband, "Yes, I would and I would miss you too!"

3.

A man in a bar finds himself attracted to a woman sitting at the bar. He is very shy but would really like to talk to her.
His friend says to him, "It’s easy. Just go over and say your favorite pick up line."
The shy man decided to try it and goes over to the woman and says, "Ford, F series."

 

 

Promotional pricing on my book

Checking it out: I've lowered the price on my book for November. Stay tuned, there will be more promotions coming up.

Click here to visit my amazon page

Okay, one more joke about Mormons!

I'm not harping on Mormons, and I'm not trying to offend. I do admit that I'm pushing the envelope. But that's what humor is all about. I am 100 percent against offending with jokes, but I'll still step on a toe now and then. But remember I love you all!

A Catholic priest, a Lutheran minister and an Evangelical preacher are arguing about religion one day when the phone rings.

The priest gets up to answer it. After listening for few moments, he says, “Yes, I will pass on the news,” and hangs up.

Turning to the others, he says, “I have good news and bad news.”

"Really? Do tell,” the minister says.

"My friends,” the priest announces, "that was the Lord Jesus on the phone, and he was calling to say he’s back."

"Glory be!” shouts the preacher. “What could possibly be bad news now?”

"Well,” the priest says, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”

Two ladies were visiting over lunch.

One said to the other: “How do you keep your husband from staying out late?”

“Well,” said the second lady, “The last time my husband stayed out late, I called to him when he got home. I called, ‘Is that you, Jack?”

“How did that help?”

“My husband’s name is Robert.”

Mormons! (don't be offended)

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...”

A man calls the front desk from room 1248 in a hotel. He asks to be transferred to maintenance.
“What’s the problem there?” asks the clerk.
“My wife has gone berserk and is threatening to jump out the window.”
The clerk tells him that this is a police matter, not a maintenance issue.
“Well, she can’t get the window open, and that’s a maintenance problem.”

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

Don't forget about my book!

Here's the link to my Kindle page.

Take a look, buy a book! (that's a good slogan)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0175OJZFY

Click right here to go to my Kindle page.

The wonderful cover of my book, designed by Tyson Cole

Hello everybody!

I wanted to share some information about Tyson Cole, the talented artist who designed my book cover.

Here's the cover:

Tyson recently had a son. Baby and mother are doing great!
Funny thing: Tyson is a successful comic artist, and he did a related comic a few years ago:

In a wonderful twist of fate, Tyson's new son looks JUST LIKE HIM!

Congratulations to the whole family! And thank you Tyson, for a wonderful cover for my book.

Joke for November

My dad went into a men's store to buy a suit. He asked the salesman to show him something cheap.
The salesman told him to look in the mirror.

On her son's seventeenth birthday, a mother pleadingly asked,
"Son, Promise me you won't smoke! Please don't let me find out you've been smoking from idle gossip in the neighborhood."
"Don't worry about me," replied her son. "I quit smoking a year ago."

Is the supreme court really just a regular court, but with sour cream and tomatoes?

let's take a break now for a joke!

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

Update on November's book givaway

I'm giving away five copies of "You Must Be  Joking" in November.
How can you get a copy?
Just ask.